I totally lost my composure this morning. I am ashamed and very saddened by my behavior. I'm so upset and mad at myself. It is not something I will soon forget.
I was buried in getting ready for 3 BBQ's, cutting, chopping, baking, and cooking like a mad woman all morning. Finally finishing up by cutting up fresh fruit for a fruit salad when approached by my daughter asking me to make her a sandwich to which I replied that I was busy. I also added that "you are almost 13 I think a cheese sandwich is one thing you can handle on your own by now." Back to cutting up my fruit and listening to her beg for a sandwich while she was struggling with getting her hair perfect for the day's festivities.
So I gave in and made the sandwich while she was in the bathroom. When she came out to make her own sandwich and I told her "no I made you one" instead of her being happy and thankful she came in the family room and said to me "I can't eat this it has the crust on it!"
You read that right it had the crust on it. She has been a no crust eater since I can remember and for the most part I have always made sandwiches w/ out the crust but lately I have been telling her she is too old to be eating like that.
I then had officially lost it. I had had enough. I lost my composure. I screamed and I yelled my head off. I let it all out I put the fear of God in her eyes. It was the first time I have ever seen a face like that from her. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm in quicksand and can't get a hand out.
I believe with this episode that has just transpired I figured out what I might be doing wrong. I am struggling so hard to keep the lines of communication open as she edges her way into the teenage years that I have been treating her more of a friend than as a daughter. I only hope that it's not too late to put my Mom hat on and leave the friendship wait until she gets older and has a family of her own.
Although I believe I have had a revelation which is great, I feel like shit. I'm so upset with myself on so many levels. I hope I can clean up the mess I have made. I feel like I have let her down and myself down. I have always said that I really don't care if I get to my deathbed and look back on my life and have regrets for myself but one thing I have never wanted to have is regrets concerning my parenting choices. I guess now I can add one regret to that list, I just hope I can straighten the course and sort through the mess I have made and work it all out.
I guess only time will tell. I just can't believe how I have messed up. I'm so disappointed in myself.
Posts
I’m around….
2 hours ago
8 comments:
The mistakes are forgotten if the apology is sincere. I remember all the mistakes my mother has made as she has never had it in her to say sorry.
I am not a parent but it seems to me that teaching your children that we can learn from our mistakes is more important than teaching them perfection is expected.
Be kind to your sweet self.
xo
Well, the way I see it, you could have done it that way or you could have calmly pointed out what an annoying pain in the butt she was being and explained exactly what it was that was so irksome about her performance. However, I think that would have made her feel even worse, plus in doing it your way you her an out, she can just think that you are crazy and way over the top.
I think as parents we all have an epiphany moment....
Mine was over loosing it over a laundry issue, yes, a laundry issue.
I remember it with clarity that still makes me sick.
But, I have never forgotten.
Don't be so hard on yourself, the thing about life is that none of us are perfect...go apologize to your daughter, there is a lovely lesson in that action that will help you both.
You are an amazing mom, truly you are!
As a wicked stepmonster, I have lost my cool a few times. I always look back on it and chastise myself because I know I showed my ass. However, I often take the opportunity to show my stepson the error of my ways by talking it out with him later (when I have calmed down), apologizing for acting like an asshat, and then telling him what he can do to make it better in the future.
There are no right or wrong answers, my friend.
Don't be so hard on yourself. I think she is old enough to know to cut off her own crusts or make her own sandwich, and I'm sure she knows it too! I also agree having a calm conversation about it with the tween is the way to go, so she can understand you didn't mean to lose your cool, and that she needs to start taking some responsibility for herself as well.
Not being a parent myself, and not having opportunity to be around people with kids very often, I feel that's just the natural reaction. I mean that would have been my reaction toward anybody I know. I guess it's a different matter if the person happens to be a kid. Thank God I don't have any.
However, I do think you are being too hard on yourself. I don't necessarily think blowing up once in a while is a bad thing. Shouldn't kids learn their moms are also humans and not their servants?
Sorry I'm rambling. HUGS.
Ah, my sweet Adelle ...
I do not think this is something you should add to the 'regret' column. An important lesson was learned by BOTH of you, and we all know lessons are not always pleasant.
Minisurf learned that even the most patient, kind, loving, admirable, incredible people have their limits. You learned that you need to be more of a Mom and less of a friend.
I think there is a good midline between friend/Mom, because I feel like Lil Lady and I have achieved walking that line. You and Minisurf will get there, too.
There are some behaviors that are not acceptable in any child. Whining about a sandwich is one of them. She is old enough to know when you are busy and she is MORE than old enough to make her own. She should have simply done so. I hope that seeing you reach your limit ONCE is enough for her to understand that she needs to learn to do things for herself sometimes. Seriously - she couldn't just tear off the crust? My 4-yr old niece gnaws her sandwiches down so that there is no white left on the crust ... if SHE can manage, so can MiniSurf.
You're raising an incredible child. The stories you tell us prove that every day. You yourself are an incredible individual. I do not believe you could be doing anything more in the "nice" department than you already are.
Love and hugs.
We all lose our cool. Perhaps MiniSurf will learn her lesson here. You apologized, she is old enough to not only make her own lunch but cut the crusts off.
LW is only five and I have lost my cool with him. I always feel terrible afterward and we make up and I explain why I got so angry with him.
Don't beat yourself up, you go farther above and beyond than any other mom I know!
Post a Comment