I have no answers

Please note: This blog post is purely venting. If you do not wish to read my venting I suggest you read no further. I am NOT writing this for pity. If you know me you know that pity is not what I am about. I am writing this purely for my own venting. While I don't usually use this platform for my venting, I need to let some things go and this is after all my blog, and the one place I can play by my rules.

After my Dad was cleared of his cancer almost 2 weeks ago, I received the news that his colonoscopy revealed yesterday that he has a tumor. The doctor who did the colonoscopy is almost positive it's cancer. So much so that they have set up many tests over the next three days in preparation for his initial visit to the oncologist next Thursday.

I can't quite put my finger on it but this has hit me so much harder than the previous bout he just came through with flying colors. I have many questions, much anger, and no answers and no sight in end for my anger.

I am furious. I am devastated. I am upset. I am lost. I feel broken and I don't know how to fix myself. Why would all our prayers be answered only to have them taken away so quickly?
What is left of my faith is on thin ice. Let me provide some religious background: I am a practicing Catholic. I have for the most part attended church every Sunday since I was born. I consider myself to be a good faith abiding Catholic. I even taught CCD at my church for almost 10 years. We have been very conscious of not missing a Sunday Mass over the past year because of my daughter getting confirmed later this fall. For the first time in my life I'm extremely tempted to drop her off at Mass on Sunday and either go home or wait there in the car. I have no clue how I am going to walk through those doors of my church on Sunday. As some of you might already know I have had recently some issues with my church to begin with and this is just the icing on the cake for me. As I told one of my friends in an email earlier this morning, I have yet to say a prayer. I'm afraid to.

I am no different than any one of you. We all have our responsibilities, we all have our problems to deal with, and we all have challenges that have to tackle. I am a person who realizes that no matter how bad things are for myself that there are others who have it far worse than myself.
One of my favorite quotes is "God never gives you more than he knows you can handle." I have lived my life believing that. My Mom would say that all the time when I was growing up. I really believed that. Until yesterday. I just feel like no matter where I turn, in which direction, there is a brick wall and the bricks keep getting higher and I have no way to get out.

I helped my Dad and my family get through this the first time and I am committed to doing it again this time, I just have no clue how. I honestly don't know how I can be strong enough to do this all again. Seeing my Dad go through this before and NOT being there to see him and check on him every day was very difficult. He was depressed and was not so willing to fight. I had to fight with him to get him to do what the doctors wanted. I had to fight with him to get him to go to Sloan-Kettering, everything was a fight. A second time for him? Why a second time?

I believe every thing that happens has a lesson tied to it. I have no clue what the lesson is in this. I have no clue what it is I'm supposed to learn from this. I have no clue how to deal with all of this. I'm just clueless.