King of Pain

For the first time in my life I spent almost the whole day crying. I cried all the way home from my parents home yesterday. 2 1/2 hours worth of tears streaming down my face nonstop. I was on the couch all night last night crying. My world has been turned upside down, literally. I am trying to put a plan of attack in motion for dealing with everything that has been throw at me. I feel a like I am juggler who is trying to keep 10 balls in the air all at once.

Now that I know for sure that my Dad does indeed have cancer and what the next few months hold in store for him, treatment wise, I need to make some decisions. His treatment will be lengthy and very involved. My parents live in a different state from where I do. My Mom will not be able to handle all of this on her own. I will need to be there as much as possible for my Dad and my Mom. This is where the 10 balls come into play. How do I keep my own family here going? Juggle my 2+ jobs, my daughter's swimming schedule, and my home? Something is going to have to give.

I'm not 100% sure yet but I believe I'm going to have to quit a job. It will be very hard to walk away from the job I am choosing to let go of particularly in the middle of the year. However, I have made a vow with myself a long time ago that where my family is concerned I want to have no regrets. I want to make sure I am there for my family no matter what. I only have one family, jobs will come and go. Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.
I consider myself very lucky that I can afford to let a job go, that I have a husband who is there encourage me and to support my decisions.
My daughter is almost 13 now. She and my husband will be able to handle things here at home while I am gone during the week. I know it will take some creative scheduling to make sure that either my husband or myself is here to continue getting her to practice daily, but we will do it one way or another. We have made that commitment.

I am scared for what the future holds. I am scared that I might make a wrong decision. I am scared that I will not be strong enough to handle all of this. I am scared that I will let my family down. I am scared.period. However, I think my Dad is scared more than I am and I need to make sure that he knows he is not alone and that we get through all of this together.



One thing I realize is that I have an absolutely incredible network of friends. While yesterday was one of the toughest days of my life, I simply cannot thank my friends enough. The phone calls, text messages, emails, thoughts and prayers from all you did not go unnoticed. I am very blessed and so thankful for all of your support, love and friendship. I can only hope that I am half the friend to all of you that you have all been to me.