"I just want one more weekend...."

"I know and I don't want to call because I just want one more weekend of being a healthy person."

That was the quote my Dad said to me when I spoke to him on Friday. The results of his pathology report were supposed to be ready by last Tuesday. He didn't want to call the doctor. My whole family were all waiting. I called him Friday while on the way out of town to try to get him to call, to no avail and just said "Okay Dad but you know, I think it's going to be pretty positive news."

My Dad called today for his results. It was the opposite, it was not good news. He knew all along. He told me so several times over the past 2 weeks. I refused to believe him. I feel terrible for trying to push him into getting the results he didn't want to hear. My head is so jammed with thoughts, I don't even know how to process all of this. Why didn't I prepare myself for this? Who was I kidding? I just hope I don't stay this lost for too long, God give me the strength.

Jesus Walks
Partial lyrics by Kanye West

God show me the way because the Devil trying to break me down
(Jesus Walks with me)
The only thing that that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now
(Jesus Walks)
And I don't think there is nothing I can do now to right my wrongs
(Jesus Walks with me)
I want to talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long

It's On Baby!!

This weekend we will travel to Annapolis for mini to swim in the annual North Baltimore Christmas Meet at the US Naval Academy. Guess who is on the psych sheets and scheduled to swim in the meet this weekend?

To Panic or Not To Panic?

So as many of you are aware I was away all last week. When I left, every piece of laundry was done, including each and every towel. Every dish and piece of silverware was washed and put away. Every room was cleaned and vacuumed. Every i was dotted and every T was crossed. I think you get the point. I even had snapped a photo I liked of mini and had it put into a card I liked online and ordered it and picked the cards up an hour later before I left so I could take them with me and address them and mail them while away. Yes, I was organized and I was prepared for the trip.

You know what they say about the best laid plans right? That's right. None of it mattered. Nothing went as planned last week. I never even got my cards out of my bag. After a few unplanned set backs last week, my Dad started to get better so I came home on Saturday night. I have to give props to my husband and my daughter, the house was almost spotless, and the laundry was even done!

GASP!

GASP!

They really did a lot around the house while I was gone and for that I was very grateful. I needed to come home and be with my family and let a ton of emotions out and just relax and decompress. That is exactly what I did. Hell, I don't even remember one minute of Sunday afternoon, I'm pretty sure I slept that afternoon away on the couch. It was really what I needed and it felt great.

Enter Monday morning. I woke up sat on the couch and realized it was December. The month that the big holiday falls in.

Christmas.

Christmas.

OH.MY.GOD.

Then panic set in. Christmas and I have only bought one gift!!!! I haven't addressed my cards or mailed them yet!! I haven't shopped for one baking ingredient yet!! I haven't put together my day after Christmas party menu yet!! OH.MY.GOD. As I was putting together my grocery list for later that morning, a thousand thoughts were running through my head. I need to do this....I need to do that....I need to run here.....I need to run there.....Oh and yeah I almost forgot, we are away at a swim meet out of state for THREE DAYS this weekend, AND I am going back out of state when I return to help out my parents again. HHHHHHHHHHELP!!!!!

Late on Monday night I decided, I can't do everything and I have to just let things go. Priorities come first and that's family. I just need to do what I can do and so be it. Tuesday was a new day and I was okay with my decision to let some things go. I was checking my lists, crossing items off I decided were not that important.

Then came Tuesday night when I arrived home from the pool and took a look at that list again. How can I let things go for Christmas? Christmas is made of tradition. I can't let our traditions go. I just can't do it.

Panic.

Panic.

Panic.

Guess what? It's back. Panic. I'm in full on panic mode once again, I have made lists on top of lists. I need to get it all done. I can't let any tradition go. I am in a race for the finish line. There is no quitting, no dropping out of this race. I need to finish and finish on time. So say a prayer for NO bad weather, because I can't even let snow or ice stop me.

I'm off.....wish me luck!!

So here I am again here on the only place I know to go when I have much to say and no other outlet in which to say it, my blog. I feel like a stranger in my own house. Funny how life takes over and takes you away from some things you love but no longer find time for. This blog is one of those things.

I sat here for an hour composing my thoughts into what turned into a rambling piece of writing that was all over the place. When I stopped writing and read it I wasn't happy with it. It didn't say what I wanted it to say. I'm sure this post will make sense to no one and that is fine with me, tonight I just needed a release and my blog gave it to me.

I love my Mom and Dad more than words can express.